Private thoughts must mean I should start a blog

I would like to share, or at least document, the experience of questioning my religion and my faith. It occurred to me that this is something a lot of people have probably gone through. And it kinda sucks. Sure, I feel like I am finding out something important about myself, but… That “something important” could be life changing… and by life changing, I mean social life changing in particular.

What will happen to all my friends if I turn away from our shared religion? What about my very religious family? What about my spouse? What about my kids? Maybe it would be better if I kept it all a secret, no matter what I decide, and just never tell anyone what I really think. So obviously- I started a blog. I mean, please. Who, in the technologically equipped world we live in, keeps any thoughts private? Okay, lots of people do. But, I don’t think I will.

I think that my questioning and answer seeking is not a unique experience. I think it is relatable, scary, intimidating, and frighteningly big in scope. I also would very much like to feel like I am not alone in this. I would like some assurance that I am not the only person who finds themselves in their mid-thirties going- holy shit… what if I have been lying to myself my whole life? What if there is no God? What if my faith is based on the circumstances of how and where I was raised? What if there is a God and I get the lightening bolt treatment (and not in the awesome Harry Potter way)?? So- blog.

 

Since I am still asking questions and seeking answers I cannot say that I would take kindly to people trying to “turn me” to one opinion or another, so please don’t try. And I don’t want to be insulting, but I will always be honest, and I may curse a little. Will you read on with me? Or will you be offended by my search for answers?

I am always open to the questions and thoughtful comments and remarks anyone would want to share below, but please play nicely. 

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7 thoughts on “Private thoughts must mean I should start a blog

  1. Your honesty is refreshing, most people do not admit to feeling this way, especially if they have been raised in a strong Christian environment. I think God calls us to be honest about our feelings – even if they are negative, even if we question Him. I have been going through a similar stage in my life, but it has been triggered by some life events – it is scary. I have realized that I had lost my ‘first love’, (Jesus), not because of anything God had done, but because what I had done, and allowed others to do to me. I was hurt and angry. I had to shut myself off from people for a while to calibrate my feelings and thoughts with God, and also protect myself from further hurt. I stopped going to my usual church, but attended a different one where I knew less people. I acted like a non-believer, because I wanted to get to know God again, from scratch. I had to be totally honest with God about how I felt – anger, hurt, betrayal – my latest blog From Breakdown to Breakthrough is a testimony of that journey. My life has changed. Some Christians may think I’ve lost my head, but if I honestly continued down the road I was going, I would have lost it. All I can say is, it is not worth living a lie, not with the people around you – pushing it away and pretending – it will eventually catch up with you, and that is what happened to me. Even if you live a lie and tell know one – God knows, and if you think He doesn’t exist – then I guess it doesn’t matter – but truthfully – it does matter – it matters to you.

    • I understand what you’re saying. But I think my situation is a bit different. There has been no major life crisis or anger that is causing me to question religion or God. It was just a realization that I no longer believed in the things that are identified as tenets of my faith. Without those beliefs, what am I left with?

  2. There was no singular event that I can identify. It just seems that the more I experience and learn in this enormous and diverse world, the more I see the holes in the fabric of the Christian religion that I identified myself with. And for many years, I just tailored my own personal theology around those holes, justifying the changes in my ideas about religion and personalizing my faith to suit my opinions. Finally I took stock of what was left, and it there wasn’t much Christianity (or any religion). Now I am wondering if this is because of inherent flaws in religion, or in me.

    • I appreciate your honesty. Most people do not stop and ask these tough questions. I am interested in hearing more about your realization. What are a few examples of the “holes” you see? I imagine your worldview is much different today than what it was. Does this ever get confusing?

  3. Very confusing! That is part of why I started the blog. It gives my sister a break from this conversation, and provides me with a place to organize my thoughts and hear other people’s viewpoints. I may do a post on the question of the “holes” today. That’s a big question.

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