prayer

prayer

Prayer. The power of prayer. It is an odd thing. An untouchable topic. And HIGHLY personal. So blog? Right?

First of all, when I have prayed, I certainly did not look like the beautiful, serene, women in the picture that I found on google. My favorite prayer spot for years, decades almost, has been in the shower whilst having a good cry. Not really a photo-op kind of situation.

I can remember a few distinct times when I would be overwhelmed by life, or depression, or whatever and find myself in that place. Either sobbing or inert. And prayer was something I did- not naturally, but in hopes that it would help; in hopes that I would begin to feel something again; in hopes that it would give me clarity; in hopes that it would just make me less sad and awful.

These sessions ended, inevitably, with me leaving the shower, exhausted, and empty of everything. Then, I would sleep, usually. So… was that the divine calm I was hoping for? Or was I just tired from the sheer exhaustion of the thing. Was I just drained from the depression itself.

I have not had one of those crying/praying/struggling moments in a LONG time. And since I began this journey of questioning and seeking answers, I have been more aware of my lack of a prayer life. But yesterday, I watched my son hop on a skateboard for the first time, and I thought to myself, “oh God, please don’t let him get badly hurt.” Whaaaa??? It would seem that for all my self-aware introspection, I still have a knee jerk reaction to appeal to the divine when something spins out of my control.

Not big things, because there are elements of my life that are wildly out of my control, and I just wait, hope, and anticipate the day when they reach resolution. But there was something about my baby on a skateboard that elicited a tiny prayer to the God I am not sure I believe in… It would seem I have a great deal of questioning ahead of me.

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5 thoughts on “prayer

  1. I’ve been reading your posts… funny thing is… I don’t think you’re alone… not at all. I think you are honest – and you are admitting the truth to yourself. I think our church today is much like how the Pharisees were back in Jesus’ day. We are heavy burdened with a perception of Christianity which is not real or honest. I don’t for one minute think that David was pretty praying when his son was dying… or Daniel… or the three Hebrew boys. I think Sarah, Hannah, Rachel, must have been doing some ugly crying with snot bubbles when they realized the babies were not flowing. What about Jephtath’s and his daughter? Jesus sweated blood – he was that messed up that night. Christians like to portray that we don’t do suffering… and if we do… we’re happy about it. Nope… not accepting it. Some days – I get pissed, miserable, depressed and I ugly cry. When I pray, I talk to God – it may not always be on my knees, in fact, it’s usually at the grocery store, in the car, in the bathroom, anywhere… In this day and age man-made Christianity is like Hollywood – yes it looks great on the outside, but it can be ugly on the inside. The Pharisees looked pretty on the outside, but Jesus called them ‘white washed tombs’. Jesus came to relieve the people of the heavy burdens of what the Pharisees had put on them, to meet all of these pretentious standards, that they themselves did not keep. Do not be conformed to what the world asks of you in respect of how Christianity should look… and how you should be doing it. That is for you and God to decide.

    • Thank you for your comment. I am doing my best to be honest about all the internal conflict I have regarding religion, how I have been practicing my faith, and if I still believe in God. All I have so far is a decidedly confused look on my face. 🙂

      • I can very much understand your internal conflict and confusion about religion, for I went through the same thing myself. It could be that your “lack of a prayer life” could be an indication of where you are at (or it might not be).

        In the end, what ended my confusion was to realize that I did not believe in god anymore. That was not easy to do, nor was it without pain. I hope you do figure out what your path (and it is your path) is to be.

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