So I am struggling with my faith. I am not sure that I still believe in God. And the whole thing is quite a shock as I was raised by a pastor, married a man who wants to be a pastor, and he was raised by 2 pastors. So yeah. Can you say black sheep? But tonight, that is so NOT in the forefront of my mind.
Here are a few unasked for facts about me. I am a mom, I am in grad school working on my Masters in Social Work, and my husband is serving in the US Army. He is deployed right now. And that is really when I started to realize that I was in the midst of a full blown “crisis of faith.” My timing is impeccable. You don’t get a magnifying lens on your strength, faith, and beliefs quite like the combo of Graduate level Social Work and deployment. It’s a roller-coaster of fun I assure you. And this was the time when I started to realize that my source of comfort was not God, my peace was not found in Jesus, and my feelings of being lost were not healed by prayer. Crap.
So now, when I encounter a night like tonight (i.e., twenty page papers due, children wired, me exhausted, one too many glasses wine, and a bit too honest with myself) I put on some gloriously sad music (Radiohead mostly) and have myself a good cry at my computer while I look at old pictures. Depressing right? But honest. Or I call my sister, or I hang out with a friend, or I actually DO my homework, or I just watch TV. That is how I cope with the loneliness. That is how I cope with the stress. And it has taken me years to realize that I no longer see God in that. And I guess… right now… that’s fine. Because that works for me.
Let me preface this post. I do not really know what I believe right now. I am questioning everything. I can’t fully say that I am Christian, but I can’t say I am not. I can’t say I am sure there is a god, but I can’t say I am not. This is just me exploring ideas and the belief structure that I was taught, hoping to make sense of it all.
Neil deGrasse Tyson. He is brilliant, he is funny, he is brilliant, he is the kids of guy I want to hang out and watch old Star Trek episodes with. And maybe Firefly too. Hell, we could just have a sci-fi weekend and nerd it up big time! This is an old video, but it was sent to me after a discussion with my sister about my current view of God.
I know it must be irritating to some people to read this and watch me rail against certain aspects of Christianity and then say, “oh I am just questioning things.” But unfortunately that is the truth. The more I find out, the more I see these holes in religion and in my belief structure. I think I am close to saying that I feel like religion is not a good thing, and not for me. Close, not quite, but close. That is a big statement and I can’t fully commit to it. I have commitment issues. Commitment-phobe.
Religion is a man-made structure though, and my bigger question is about God. I think you can let go of religion and still believe in a god and have faith. But my current view of God is so confused.
Is he a big massive authority figure that dabbles in lives as he wishes and yet avoids major social justice needs for change (the micro-manager)? Is he more of a omnipresent, hands-off, distant figure that spun the universe into motion and now just watches the action (deism?)?
I don’t know. Frankly, neither of those are particularly appealing. But what Tyson says in this video struck me. It is an additional question. As I seek information and answers, as I examine my world and my beliefs, is my God going to get smaller and small to just cover the gaps in knowledge? Is that all God is for? To cover the gaps of those things we cannot explain? Have I spent my life believing in a God of the Gaps?