my de-conversion and marriage

That title is not nearly as catchy as the famous ‘Love and marriage” but I couldn’t think of a better one. I have been binge listening to The Thinking Atheist podcast again. You can find them here or on itunes, http://www.thethinkingatheist.com/podcast/index. 

I am listening to one now that is hitting me hard and I am going to seek out more blogs and podcasts on this topic soon. I have mentioned my family situation rather non-specifically before I think, but just to be clear: I have had a hard time believing all my life. I have believed out of fear, I have barely believed in anything at all, and I have brushed this aside thinking it was my fault for questioning something that other people found so easy and obvious. Finally, a few months ago I had some realizations that are causing me to question the faith I held, but more importantly to research the things I had based my faith on. I have started to form some conclusions about what I not believe to be true. In a few days my beloved husband of almost 11 years will be home from a year long deployment in Afghanistan. And he will be coming home to a wife who no longer believes in God. To put the icing on the uh-oh cake, he is working towards becoming a pastor/chaplain. Yeah.

I have not told anyone besides one family member about this blog. I have only discussed my changing views in vague ways with a couple of people (one of whom tried to save my soul, awkward, short story in a previous post). Due to our family situation I have not shared these questions and this process I am going through with my husband. But when he comes home, there will need to be a conversation. I am not worried that it will cause an irreparable riff… not usually anyway. But I am worried about how it will affect him and us and our family and how we raise our children. 

I hear atheists talking about “coming out” to their families and spouses a lot. At first, I was bothered by the language since I was accustomed to it being used by the LGBTQ community. But facing the moment where I have to lay my ideas bare and be vulnerable… I think this is a pretty accurate description. Will he read this blog? Will he be bothered by the Dawkins and Hitchens and Harris books I have laying around the house? How long should I put off the conversation? Should I blame it on grad school texts and clients I have worked with? Should I just lay it out as soon as he notices? I don’t know.

Two complicated individuals who are constantly changing will have to flex some more in order to keep our relationship together. Issues about careers, parenting, and ALL of the views and ideas that have changed will have to be addressed carefully and thoughtfully and… oh boy. Luckily, I believe that there is hope even without a deity. 

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AAACK!!!!

AAACK!!!!

Oh Cathy. You really do get me sometimes.

I keep upsetting myself because I am worrying about the future. As I am worrying about the future, the present is sapping me of my life force. FInals, kids, long ass deployment, crazy family, overcommitted on committees, and just normal irritations like dentists and ordering contacts.

In two weeks I will be sitting on a beach watching my children playing in the water. I just have to “ack” my way through two more weeks. Then I will have reached a well deserved break, before my last semester in grad school.

This blog was originally my outlet to talk about my spiritual struggles. As time has passed, I am realizing that there is so much wrapped up in that! Hence all the “ack”-ing. It isn’t just about me. It is my marriage, my children, my friends, my family, my community, and my future. This blog is indeed, about somuchandsomuch…