I think my friend just tried to Jesus me

Well. I just had an evening of wine and chatting with a friend. And, I think, she tried to save my soul. 

She had told me a few weeks ago that she felt the need to share her testimony with me, and that she really felt “called” to share it. But things have been rough. She has been busy and I have been struggling with depression and anxiety. Finally tonight she texted and invited me over. So, over I went! And we had cornbread and black-eyed peas (delicious southern food!!!) and lots of wine.

We were having some wine and a nice chat when I felt the tide of the conversation turn. I could see that my friend was dragging up issues from my past that I have already dealt with. I think this was an attempt to figure out why I had lost faith, and then fix whatever was broken inside me. Maybe she thought I was still dealing with events in my past and that those things had turned me away from God. Unfortunately, it was kind of awkward, because I have moved past that stuff. Neither my past nor my present are the reason for my depression nor my reason for my loss of faith. I felt like she was pressing me for an emotional reaction that I just didn’t have. I tried my best to just deflect it and turn the conversation back towards my friend. I really don’t want to hear about the how and why that God is intervening in my life when I NO LONGER BELIEVE IN GOD.

It kind of worked. I was able to distract her into talking about herself, telling me about her issues, and commiserating about being stationed in a rather sucky place. 

But… ugh… blah… blurg. I really didn’t want that to happen. I am glad that the wine lubricated the conversation so that I could mostly avoid the proselytizing, but I still felt that her attempt to save me stilted the conversation and… I am afraid that it will affect the friendship. 😦 Ugh… blah… blurg… 

This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell anyone.

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Coming out

I am loving this blog. And I really want to thank you lovely people for reading, commenting, and challenging me with question. It is a great feeling to have total strangers visit here, and then participate in discussions as I examine my self and my world. 

That said, only two people who actually know me, know about this blog. And I think only 1 of them has read it. When I first started to question my faith (years ago) I was afraid to tell anyone. Only recently I started talking about this with close trusted people, an atheist and a fellow preacher’s kid. (Oh yeah, I am a PK). I felt safe disclosing these personal questions to these people, but the idea of openly discussing my doubts is terrifying.

In part, it’s scary because I need a safe place to ask my questions without feeling pressured to “join a side.” And I really really don’t want my lovely and well-meaning friends to try to “save me.” I want to go through this time of doubt and questioning, gather information, and come to a conclusion in my own time. However, I feel like this struggle is normal, healthy, and not something to be ashamed of. I wonder if sharing this experience in an even more open environment will help other people who feel alone when facing a struggle like this.

So I ask you, my little blogging community, should I consider “coming out”? Should I take the risky step of posting my blog on my facebook or twitter, knowing that my friends and family will be shocked by this information? Can I have a time of questioning and doubt out in the open or is it doomed to be an internal and anonymous struggle?