Miracles. Hmmmm. This has been a concept I have had problems with since I was a child. The general definition is some sort of event that serves as helpful or beneficial for a person, and is viewed as either inexplicable or as an intervention of the divine.

Intervention of the divine. Right. Cause God wants me to escape a fender-bender, but has no miracles for the billions of people in the world who are starving, dying, or oppressed by forces outside of their control. Sure. That makes complete sense.

I know that sounds snarky, but think about it. I profess to believe in a loving and just God. I profess a belief in the power of prayer to intercede on the behalf of someone, that prayer can capture the attention of God (who is always watching) and move him to act in a miraculous way on my behalf.

And yet… yet… women are burned alive by their potential husbands who want to pay a lesser dowry. Men have been protected by law so that when they rape a woman, as long as they marry her later, they face no legal action. Which is great because once she is ruined it is way easier to get her as a wife. Children, innocent, blameless children, sit dying in streets all over the world for a variety of reasons- illness, starvation, exposure. And this… this God does not miraculously fix.

So all of the prayers that I have sent up for all of these people, did they not work? Where was God? Oh I know that pat answers. Humanity introduced evil into the world and now it is a burden we must bear. We must be responsible for lifting people out of oppression. We must help and aid those people by bringing them the message of Christ- and presumably clean drinking water. 

But I don’t like those answers. I think those answers are a cop out. I think it is horribly horribly duplicitous to say, “Well, evil exists in the world and we can’t fix that, but I am sure God has a plan.” And then to claim that God blessed you with a promotion, or a new car, or maybe you were healed of a disease, even though you have insurance and doctors and a fighting chance just because of your geographic location. 

Yeah. The idea of miracles bothers me. Because eventually, no matter which line of thinking you follow, you either end up with a God who micro-manages the lives of a select, special, privileged few; or you have a God who is so completely hands-off that he serves no purpose other than as an architect of some sort. Maybe I am missing something, but neither of those gods suits me, or my view of justice and love.

Private thoughts must mean I should start a blog

I would like to share, or at least document, the experience of questioning my religion and my faith. It occurred to me that this is something a lot of people have probably gone through. And it kinda sucks. Sure, I feel like I am finding out something important about myself, but… That “something important” could be life changing… and by life changing, I mean social life changing in particular.

What will happen to all my friends if I turn away from our shared religion? What about my very religious family? What about my spouse? What about my kids? Maybe it would be better if I kept it all a secret, no matter what I decide, and just never tell anyone what I really think. So obviously- I started a blog. I mean, please. Who, in the technologically equipped world we live in, keeps any thoughts private? Okay, lots of people do. But, I don’t think I will.

I think that my questioning and answer seeking is not a unique experience. I think it is relatable, scary, intimidating, and frighteningly big in scope. I also would very much like to feel like I am not alone in this. I would like some assurance that I am not the only person who finds themselves in their mid-thirties going- holy shit… what if I have been lying to myself my whole life? What if there is no God? What if my faith is based on the circumstances of how and where I was raised? What if there is a God and I get the lightening bolt treatment (and not in the awesome Harry Potter way)?? So- blog.


Since I am still asking questions and seeking answers I cannot say that I would take kindly to people trying to “turn me” to one opinion or another, so please don’t try. And I don’t want to be insulting, but I will always be honest, and I may curse a little. Will you read on with me? Or will you be offended by my search for answers?

I am always open to the questions and thoughtful comments and remarks anyone would want to share below, but please play nicely.